Remember in ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’ how there was a secret society of men sworn to protect the secret of the Holy Grail? Yeah. That was awesome. They had these cool top secret tattoos and everything.
How secret can your involvement in such an organization REALLY be? I mean, you’ve got a crazy cryptic tattoo, you’re one of three people on earth who wears a fez (although popular with organ grinder monkeys, the fez hasn’t really caught on in mainstream fashion), and you frequently shout out “No, no! Not the Grail! I must protect the Holy Grail!” in your sleep.
What kind of policy would you have with your girlfriend or wife, for example? “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” NEVER works with the ladies (let me tell you) and if decades of sitcoms have taught us anything, sneaking around behind your woman’s back leads to comically tragic results. Just ask Zack Morris or Uncles Jesse and Joey.
Keeping something from your parents is no big deal (as we all know). I mean, my parents still think that my five-year-stretch at Millhaven Penitentiary was really a Peace Corps assignment. Either way, it was a complete frame-up and I’m sure that will be recognized in my third appeal. But I digress…
I’m not quite sure what kind of full-time work a member of ‘The Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword’ can hold down, what with all the meetings, tattooings, being secretive and all that. At the same time, unlike top secret organizations like The Illuminati, I can’t imagine that secretly protecting the cup of Christ can be a high-paying gig. I mean, does this job include health and dental benefits? Not bloody likely.
Surely all that financial strain with little tangible return (although it looks like you’d get to kill people from time-to-time, which could relieve some stress) would result in a drunken tirade at the local public house, or at the very least some complaining to close friends; neither of which lend themselves well to a secret organization.
Well, if this is the type of work that interests you… you’re in luck. Here are five hot tips to keep you successful in the fantabulous world of religious zealotry and intrigue.
1. Casual relationships. And lots of ‘em. Nothing complicates being secretive like nosey parents, roommates or lovers. If a group of casual friends begins getting too close, simply fake your own death and move to a new town. Note that this won’t keep you from having to follow-through with your third appeal.
2. Stylish suits. I mean, who doesn’t feel great in a stylish suit with an open-collared shirt. Perhaps the sweet threads will draw attention from your uncool fez… worn for top-secret religious reasons.
3. Grow a ‘70s moustache. Another good fez-distraction technique. Also, people will leave you alone. Moustachioed men are generally considered creepy (see ‘Tom Selleck’ and ‘Hercule Poirot’)
4. Distrust Germans. Well, this goes for just about any profession.
5. Learn to shoot well. I cannot stress this enough, and I’m always giving this advice to Imperial Storm Troopers. Hire a coach and go to a shooting range from time-to-time. Drawn out gun-battles make for great movie scenes, but they don’t really help your on-the-sly profile now do they?
Well, good luck defending the Grail. If you do your job well, we’ll never hear anything about it. If you do it poorly, well there’ll be a new job posting up on Workopolis. Maybe they’ll let me apply again if I’m cleared in the appeal.
